Over the years, I’ve been on the receiving end of many phone calls about death. While each personal death has its own set of struggles, workplace death is unique. It calls on leaders to make impossible calls about how to support, how to calibrate sensitivity with business, and which decisions should be made in circumstances far outside their specialty.
Below is information that addresses a cross-section of workplace death variables. The most common occurrence is that a colleague dies off-site. However, if a senior leader, company owner, or on-site death occurs, additional levels of confusion or trauma may be present.
There is one suggestion that crosses over all of the specifics recommended below. Let your employees and coworkers know that you care, but that you haven’t done this before. Tell them that you and the company are trying to get it right but that you might make mistakes. This messaging does two things:
It helps them synthesize what they’re hearing — if something is well-intentioned but hits them the wrong way, they can focus on the useful information.
It takes pressure off of you to feel like you have to “get it right” at a time that may be deeply distressful to you as well.
(Please Note: The information below was written to be accessible for all employees. Disseminating it can be a simple way to open up a conversation.)
General Grief
Workplace relationships are still relationships. You might have a variety of emotions the same as if you lost a family member. Sometimes it’s even worse if a work friend is part of your personal support system. There is not a specific sequence, and you don’t have to worry about “doing it right.”
Re-Experiencing Past Grief
When someone dies or something traumatic happens, it can trigger emotions from something that happened a long time ago. This can be confusing because we usually think that if something happened years ago, we are “over it.” But sometimes, if that experience was really hard or we tried to push it aside, the new incident can bring it all back — emotions, memories, images, sounds. The difficult but valuable part is that this can help force us to process and find peace.
How to Keep It from Being Overwhelming
Read or skim the information below. A lot of times, just being aware of what is happening and why can help.
Create boxes. Set a timer for 20-30 minutes to let yourself think or be emotional. Have a plan for what you will do next when the time ends. This can be helpful if you dislike emotions or are worried about being overwhelmed by them.
Navigating the Tension of Honoring Death vs. Returning to Normal
We want to be sensitive, but we don’t know exactly what to say or do. It can be good to interact, ask for help, and do work as normal. We often want to protect people or not ask for anything additional, but sometimes normal work reminds people that everything will be okay.
There are times when I ask someone who is already hurting to help me solve something. Or I mention the person who passed as part of conversation, without focusing on it or avoiding it. You can acknowledge that you don’t want to put on extra pressure or create stress, and then the other person can let you know if a request is too much.
Stress Reactions: What You Might Experience
The following focuses on stress responses that can occur after a traumatic workplace event. You might experience some, all, or none of these — everyone’s process is different.
Acute Stress Response
Sleep interruption, sadness, irritability, nightmares, sensitivity to noise or motion, hypervigilance, and distractibility can all occur for up to a month. These gradually get better with time.
Sleep
It’s normal for sleep to be interrupted — in and out for the first few weeks after a critical incident. Some people are exhausted and sleep like a rock; others have difficulty.
Watch for this: In PTSD, nightmares disrupt sleep and the pattern doesn’t get better. This is when you’ll want assistance, and as soon as possible.
Action tips:
Make a plan for what you’ll think about if you can’t sleep or wake up during the night. Most people just allow themselves to think or start thinking about work, which wakes up the brain and keeps them awake. Try to identify something that is either relaxing or complex but boring — planning a vacation, planning a household project, doing math in your head. What is relaxing or boring will be different for each person.
Try to stay relaxed about not sleeping. When you get upset or anxious about not being able to sleep, it wakes up your brain and makes it even more difficult. Reassure yourself that it’s okay and that you’ll eventually fall asleep.
If distressing images come to mind, plan ahead of time for alternative images you want to think about. When there is a death that someone has witnessed, they often remember the last image, which can be incredibly distressful. Try to pull up another image of the person alive and happy and practice doing that. It is hard. Your brain will want to keep returning to the negative images, so it takes practice — you are retraining your brain from the traumatic event.
Digestive System
Nausea, constipation, and diarrhea can occur from high stress. It’s normal, but not fun.
Action tips: Eat food that is really easy to digest. Yogurt or probiotic tablets help restore the good bacteria in the gut. Canned pumpkin can be helpful. Practice breathing from your belly when you are anxious — it will help relax the body and reduce nausea.
Thoughts
These are normal: What if something could have happened differently? Am I being too emotional? Am I emotional enough? Does it mean I’m weak if I’m emotional or that I don’t care if I’m not? If I laugh, have fun, or forget, does that mean I don’t care? You may also have recurring thoughts about the incident or things that happened in the past.
Action tips: When you have upsetting or intrusive thoughts that keep popping up, don’t push them aside or dwell on them extensively. Acknowledge that odd thoughts are part of the grief and healing process. Try thinking about it from a different perspective — what’s an alternative way to think about it? What might you say to reassure a friend? Thoughts are not necessarily your enemy or your friend. They are simply your brain’s way of trying to make sense of life, especially when unexpected or shocking events happen.
Watch for thoughts that make it harder to heal: the world is dangerous and you can’t keep yourself or others safe, self-blame, or feeling like something is fundamentally wrong with you. Counter these with alternative perspectives. Think about ways you’ve kept yourself and others safe in the past, ways you’ve helped and protected people, and the positive things you contributed, even in a hard situation.
Navigating Relationships and Work
Social Dynamics
You won’t always know what to say. “I’m not sure what to say but wanted to check in and see how the day is going” is a perfectly good start. We’ll all mess this up because everyone needs different things. What might be helpful to one person might be offensive to someone else.
You can ask: “Is it helpful for me to bring this up or better to wait for you to bring it up?”
If you notice a coworker having a hard time, here are some ways in:
“Maybe it’s me, but it seems like there is a lot on your mind. Anything I can help with?”
“Hey, I know it’s been a rough month. You’re doing a great job with ____. Let me know if I can help.”
“How are you sleeping? How was the weekend? How’s the family?”
“This feels awkward and I’m not sure if I’m approaching it the right way, but I’ve been a bit worried about you. Does it help to talk or should we focus on how the Dodgers are doing?”
It’s not about exactly what you say but more about showing both caring and giving space. People might decline and say everything is okay, but they might come back later if they see you as a safe person who won’t tell other people.
For Leaders
You won’t get everything right. That’s okay.
For People Looking to Leaders for Direction
In hard situations, your leaders are trying to figure it out the same way you are. They might say or do some things that are really helpful and other things might be confusing or feel wrong.
Grace
Emotions might run high for a while, and this comes out in different ways — even for people who are typically not emotional. Try to create some space for yourself and others. People may not mean everything they say.
What Helps
Meaning
If you have a faith, religion, or worldview that helps you, continue to use it. For those who are not faith-based (and even those who are), focus on what meaning you can make from the hard. It helps us find perspective and know that the pain is not wasted.
Exercise and Movement
We sleep better when we are physically tired. Exercise helps our body get tired. It also actually helps us process emotion and decrease stress symptoms.
Breathing Technique: 4-7-8 Breath
Breathe in through your nose for 4 counts. Make your stomach expand like a balloon — your chest and shoulders stay exactly normal. This can take some practice because a lot of people take breaths from their chest. Hold your breath for 7 counts. Breathe out through your mouth for 8 counts. Repeat 3-4 times.
Tip: Put your hand on your belly so you can feel it expanding and contracting. This is how you know you’re getting it right. This relaxes your body, which helps to relax your mind. It can also help put you to sleep. The same technique can be helpful when you get upset during the day.
Grounding Technique: 5-4-3-2-1
This pulls you back to the present. Name 5 things you see. 4 things you can touch. 3 things you can hear. 2 things you can smell. 1 thing you can taste. When you are in your head, this distracts you and pulls you back to the present.
Not Avoiding
The difficult thing about workplace death is that you may be reminded every time you go to work. As hard as that is, it can be protective because it helps you progress through the emotions. The clinical term is “exposure” — it is the equivalent of getting back into the car after an accident or riding a horse after being thrown off.
Action tips: If you were a witness or closeby and you have not yet gone back to where the incident happened, do so. Grab a coworker to go with you if that helps. If you find yourself avoiding activities related to the incident, do a little bit at a time until your routine is back to normal. Breathing, listening to music, or talking to a friend can help you get through something you’re avoiding.
Working, Journaling, Reading, Games, Helping Others
Anything that requires your attention but gives your emotions a break. If you combine this with boxes of time to think and feel, it helps you heal.
When to Get More Help
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Post-traumatic stress disorder is the name for a collection of problems that continues to occur without getting better. Sometimes it shows up later.
PTSD does not mean that you are crazy. It simply means you have a traumatic event in your memory and your brain hasn’t figured out how to file it correctly.
Symptoms: Flashbacks during the day or nightmares that make you feel like you are right there and the event is happening all over again. One minute you’re thinking about your evening and the next you feel like everything is happening all over again. This usually makes it hard to sleep and hard to focus. Difficulty concentrating during the day results in forgetfulness. You may also experience irritability, anger, uncontrollable looping thoughts, extreme anxiety, or avoidance of triggers — for example, if going out makes you anxious, you may start avoiding it to escape the feeling.
Reach out if the flashbacks or nightmares are not getting better. You are not alone and help can get your life back on track.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
This is a therapy technique that does not require you to tell the story all over again. It is used for many types of traumatic events.
During a session, you’ll think briefly about the upsetting event while following the therapist’s hand movements with your eyes, or sometimes tapping your hands or knees back and forth. This sounds strange and we don’t know exactly why it works. However, if you watch someone’s eyelids while they are sleeping, you’ll notice that their eyes move back and forth when they are dreaming. It seems like this back-and-forth movement may be involved in memory processing. Helping people process and file information correctly is a huge part of recovery from PTSD or from events that stay stuck — where you feel really upset every time you think about it.
Most people feel significantly better after just a few sessions. It’s especially helpful if you’re having trouble sleeping, getting jumpy at work, or can’t stop replaying what happened. The process is straightforward and you stay in control the whole time. It is not hypnosis. You are completely alert and can stop whenever you want. If you are interested in this technique, ask a counselor if they are trained in it.
Assessing Counselors
If you use a counselor, have a phone call first to see if you feel comfortable. Some people find comfort talking to their faith or religious leader.
The most important part of counseling is knowing that whoever you are talking to genuinely cares. You should have the feeling that they won’t judge you. Any advice should feel right to you at a gut level. If you’ve had a bad experience with a counselor, it is extra hard to try again — and your right to be very picky. I usually tell people not to dump their guts until they know for sure that they like and trust someone. For EMDR specifically, the person should be trained in it so that they have the skills to help you.
Dr. Tricia Groff is an executive coach, psychologist, confidante, and strategic partner, and author of Relational Genius. She works with high-achieving executives on intersecting systems of personal, business, and emerging change. drtriciagroff.com
Dr. Tricia Groff is an executive coach, psychologist, confidante, and strategic partner, and author of Relational Genius. She works with high-achieving executives on intersecting systems of personal, business, and emerging change. drtriciagroff.com