SELF-KNOWLEDGE QUESTIONNAIRE
Who Are You and How Do People See You?
Instructions: You can either print a blank form to complete on paper, or fill it out online and print your completed answers. Your responses are saved in your browser as you type, so you can close this page and return later without losing your work.
Your behavior makes perfect sense to you. It may or may not make sense to others. Use these questions to figure out which of your personality characteristics might confuse people—so you can proactively tell them how to read you.
Example: "Incompetence. It drives me crazy. I'm more likely to be a jerk when I encounter it, and sometimes I'm sarcastic about it."
Rationale: When we know why we get frustrated, we're able to problem-solve or ask for help that reduces the frustration rather than simply letting it build. Many times, people can feel our frustration, but they don't understand why it is happening.
Example: "When I feel simultaneously appreciated and challenged."
Rationale: When we understand what brings out our best, we are better at choosing situations or interactions that support that, AND verbalizing to others how they can help us.
Example: "Micromanagement. Emotional fatigue. Working hard with no measurable results. Interpersonal drama or friction."
Rationale: Awareness about what brings out our worst helps us hold ourselves accountable. If we recognize that emotional fatigue makes us curt with others, we can simultaneously offer ourselves compassion while doing our best to prevent or modify situations that bring out the worst in us.
Example: "Direct, analytical, ambitious, responsible, caring. My directness is often mistaken as rudeness."
Rationale: If you can identify the top reasons that people may misunderstand your communication or intentions, you can prevent conflict and hurt feelings, which saves a boatload of time and relationship repair. Verbalizing this awareness to others helps them feel safe.
Example: "I get quiet, and sometimes people think I'm mad at them."
Rationale: We often fail to inform others whether we are stressed in general or because of them. Understanding our own stress reactions helps us to quickly explain them to others.
Example: "I go non-verbal and look intense. I'm not mad—I just tune everything else out when I'm focused."
Rationale: Many of us become less responsive, less warm, or less engaged when we're concentrating. If we don't explain this, people assume we're angry or don't want to be bothered. Telling them upfront creates categories in their heads for "you-available" versus "you-focused."
Example: "I like it when people get to the point. I get confused and impatient if they go into a lot of details or stories because I'm not sure what information is relevant to the problem."
Rationale: If we understand how we prefer to communicate, we can either request that information be provided in a particular way or be more patient when we recognize that someone is using a completely different communication style.
Example: "It depends on the relationship and how upset I am. Sometimes I need some time because I'm afraid I might say something I regret."
Rationale: For people who want to talk immediately, silence makes them feel unsafe. For individuals who need some space to think, pressure exacerbates the problem. Awareness of these differences helps us align on how to approach the conflict, rather than leaving assumptions to accumulate, thereby worsening the conflict.
Example: "I'm intense. Sometimes it's intimidating or too much for people who prefer a laid-back approach. It helps me be effective when I need to get a point across or drive things across a finish line."
Rationale: Often, our strengths or unique ways of moving in the world create both our success and our blind spots in terms of both understanding ourselves and in relationships with others.
Example: "I need a lot of alone time to recharge, but I struggle to explain that because I'm worried about people feeling rejected."
Rationale: Most of us fall along a continuum of introversion and extroversion. Our needs are also often dependent on the relationship and situation. It's helpful for us to know how to discuss this with those around us so that we can support each other in the relationship while fueling our own introverted/extroverted needs for oxygen/energy.
Example: "I need to think out loud. Don't try to follow everything—I'll let you know when I reach my conclusion." OR "I'm pausing because I'm thinking, not because I disagree with you."
Rationale: We need to be able to explain what is happening inside of our heads when we are trying to answer complex questions. Otherwise, people will become lost in a maze of information if we are thinking aloud, or they may misconstrue our silence if we are sorting information internally.
Example: "I look away when I'm thinking. I'm not disconnecting or disagreeing; I'm just minimizing the external stimuli of eye contact while I think."
Rationale: People read our faces, even when we think we are masking. Awareness of what our facial expressions may convey helps us prevent misunderstandings.
Example: "People always ask if I'm okay when I'm fine. Apparently, I look sad or worried when I'm just existing."
Rationale: Some people look angry when they're concentrating. Some look sad when they're tired. If your resting face doesn't match your actual mood, people will misread you constantly unless you give them a heads-up.
Example: "I give people a hard time, but I think that sometimes they get offended."
Rationale: Dry humor and teasing can be bonding or threatening, depending on the relationship and the other person's personal sensitivity and confidence. If someone knows that you ONLY tease if you like someone, then you help them instantly recognize that they should take it as a compliment.
Example: "I tend to treat people the way I want to be treated, so I just get to the point."
Rationale: For feedback or anything conflict-laden, when you understand potential discrepancies between your preferences and those of others, you can create space to learn what people prefer and reduce unnecessary difficulty in difficult conversations.
Example: "I'm enthusiastic about many things, so some people think I'm naive." OR "I'm not really expressive, so sometimes people think I'm not interested in something, even if I am."
Rationale: People follow our emotional lead regardless of our words. What is normal for each person is different. For example, one person may believe they are passionately articulating an idea, but the intensity is perceived as yelling by another.
SUMMIT CHALLENGE
Want to make this into a game? Ask the people around you to complete this survey about you and compare their answers to yours. Look for:
- Where do your answers match? (Good—they get you.)
- Where are the gaps? (That's your opportunity to give them the cheat code for reading you, and also where you might want to focus on helping others understand you as well.)
- What surprised you about how they see you?
This exercise works especially well with teams, partnerships, or anyone you interact with regularly. When everyone does it together, you create a shared language for navigating each other's idiosyncrasies—and you dramatically reduce misunderstandings.