The Foundation of Assertiveness - Believing that You Matter

I often hear this concern –  “but I don’t want to be mean.” First, the statement shows confusion over being assertive versus being aggressive. To be assertive is to act on your own behalf while caring about the others involved. To be aggressive is to intentionally hurt others. Second, I’ve learned that the statement about being mean reflects more than the fear of being mean. It shows concern about the vulnerability of using one’s voice. “What will happen if I stand up for myself?” “What will happen if I say what I want?” Some people have been taught that their voices do not matter or that their opinion is bad. For these people, standing in their truth is a huge act of courage. In this area, counseling can be life-changing in order for people to gain confidence and control over their lives.

MYTH: Assertiveness is the same as aggressiveness.

FACT: Assertiveness is simply respecting yourself, your rights, your voice. Aggressiveness is an intention to hurt others.

MYTH: Assertiveness will break relationships.

FACT: Assertiveness is an art and a skill of protecting your needs without infringing on others’ needs. Assertiveness prevents resentment. Reducing resentment prevents the emotional build-up that usually results in edginess or blow-ups.

MYTH: You can achieve your goals without being assertive.

FACT: Assertiveness protects the time, emotion and energy that are necessary for optimal achievement.

Over-explaining comes across to the other person as insecurity about your boundaries. The underlying cause of over-explaining is the need for others to approve your decision; hence, you explain to justify the boundaries. Over-explaining conveys ambivalence and weakens your position. If it feels awkward to not explain, use “because” with a non-specific explanation, “I am not able to do that because it doesn’t fit with my priorities.”

When people are learning to be assertive, they often “freeze” when they are shocked or offended. It’s okay to go back a day or two later, and say “I was really confused when you said…..can you help me understand…” The fact that you are revisiting the issue is enough to let the other person know that you are not easily ‘walked on.’

Pick about 3 one-liners that will work across a variety of situations. Check out the list on the slider at the bottom of the page. A lot of people take one of these suggestions and tweak the wording so that it fits their personality. It is helpful to have a very gracious one-liner as well as one with a harder edge.

Train people behaviorally on how you want them to respect you and your time. Examples: From the beginning, end conversations on time. Do not be available all the time unless you want others to expect that from you. “I’ll check my calendar and get back to you” teaches people that you are not the default crisis-response person. If you don’t want the phone to ring after 8pm, stop answering it until others learn to call earlier.

If you have already taught people to take advantage of you, give them a heads-up about the change. “I need to re-prioritize my use of time in order achieve some important goals. I want to let you know that I will begin _____. I will no longer be able to ______.” Be consistent with the change; otherwise, you will train them not to take your word seriously.

Necessary non-verbals to convey confidence = head up, arms at your sides, eye contact. If you need to show power, take up more physical space.

Make sure that you do not smile when you set boundaries. Don’t worry about looking mean–just maintain a sincere, neutral expression. Smiling sends a message that you are not serious about the boundary you are setting.

You can perfect your assertiveness, and you will occasionally encounter people who are too selfish or too socially inept to respect your boundaries. My personal rule of thumb is that I give people three chances. My voice becomes increasingly firm when I have to repeat myself the second and third time. Feel free to walk away if you can.